Categories
Child Custody

Co-Parenting Agreements Put Kids’ Best Interests First

Taking care of your kids after your divorce

Co-parenting is your single most important right as well as your single most important responsibility with your ex-spouse post-divorce. If you can co-parent amicably (and no doubt that’s a challenge), your children gain stability and the chance to maintain close relationships with both parents.

But just how can you deal with or even avoid the stress that comes from trying to co-parent when your relationship with that other parent is broken? It is easy enough to say it requires maturity and intent on both sides, but that doesn’t tell you how to do this.

One solution: A co-parenting agreement that spells out respective responsibilities and limitations, enabling each of you to avoid unnecessary conflict with the other.

From Spouses to Co-Parents: Redefining your relationship around your child

Creating a joint custody and parenting arrangement, especially after a hostile split, can be exhausting and infuriating. How will you get past the painful history you shared with your ex and conquer the resentment?

Decision making, interacting at drop-offs, or just speaking to a person you’d rather forget all about can seem agonizing. So it’s not easy.

But it is the best way to guarantee that your children’s needs are met, enabling them to rightfully retain close relationships with both parents.

Consider redefining your relationship with your ex as one focused entirely around the well-being of your children, rather than about either of you. Your marriage is over, but your family still exists. Once your relationship with your ex becomes centered on your kids, you can both move on from your pasts.

The first step to being a mature, responsible co-parent is to always consider your children’s needs first and, in doing so, you’ll find that you’re actually serving your own needs, too.

What is a Co-Parenting Agreement?

A co-parenting agreement (or plan) is a contract that you and your ex-spouse create and agree to. It sets forth the guidelines you will follow as post-divorce parents. This plan specifies how your children will be cared for, who will care for them, and where and when they will live or spend their time.

A parenting plan, also called a “Custody and Visitation Agreement”, not only lays out time shares (the schedule for when the children will be with each parent) but also for decision making (how parents will make shared decisions about major issues such as your children’s health, education and welfare plans and contingencies).

A solid plan should cover more than just the details of pick-up and drop-off and homework time; it should also explain the parenting philosophy, overall goals and shared commitments to which have each and/or both committed.

Specifically, the plan should:

  • Cover how the parents will meet basic needs for guidance, love, protection, healthy diet, medical care and sufficient rest.
  • Consider each child’s unique abilities, personalities, and special needs. Your plan should adjust to each child instead of forcing the child to adjust to it.
  • Provide secure and stable routines.
  • Cover consistent and fair times for vacations, day-to-day care, management and choice of homework and school activities, and holiday times/locations.
  • Prepare for key contingencies such as how a new partner of an ex-spouse will impact parenting and college tuition, as well as how far apart parents may reside in the event of a move, etc.

The age of each child dictates how detailed and flexible you need to be. Young children have an overwhelmingly strong need for consistency between homes. Older children are more adaptable but may require more rules since they are beginning to develop their own lives and have their own associated responsibilities and activities. This means that eventually your own kids will have more say in how they spend their time.

Establishing Parenting Plans can actually help future relationships by enabling new romantic partners to read what you and your ex agreed on and to understand, objectively, your intentions and commitments to your children.

Co-Parenting Schedule and Plan Making Tools

A great tool for developing a parenting plan is the AI software at timtab.com. Just by entering basic details about your parenting situation — such as child ages and school travel times — Timtab generates a set of parenting schedules, a summer schedule and a draft parenting plan.

The non-profit Shared Parenting Works offers an online resource that allows you to access parenting plan templates by state, since each state has its own laws regarding child custody. Access co-parenting plans by state here.

A useful guide to co-parenting that includes The Legal Agreement; What Is Co-Parenting and Why Do It?; Communicating With The Other Parent; Talking to Your Kids; When Your Kids Visit The Other Parent; Consistency; How Children at Different Ages May Be Affected; and Conflict With the Other Parent is available here.  Review the guide carefully, since co-parenting involves many things that go beyond what can be put to paper — such as how you should speak to your kids about the other parent and how to interact with your ex and your children to put the priority in order to maximize your kids’ consistent and healthy development.

Co-Parenting Tips

Kids will adjust more quickly and easily to divorce and have better self-esteem when they:

  • Feel secure about and are confident of both parents’ love
  • See both households are consistent, so they know what to expect and what is expected of them.
  • Observe their parents working together, which also helps them understand and model positive problem solving and conflict resolution skills
  • Have a healthy example to follow as they grow into their own futures
  • Are not put in the middle of their parents’ conflicts and unresolved issues
  • Are never used as messengers between parents, and are not exposed to their parents’ conflicts about their past relationship.
  • Are never told negative things about one parent by the other or are made to choose one parent over another.

Co-Parenting agreements are valuable in a number of different respects. They help focus parents on what is important—the welfare and interests of their kids. They reduce conflict by establishing clear guidelines for everything from financial responsibilities and shared expenses to birthdays and holidays — as well as religious upbringings. Further, they help establish consistency and foster a sense of security in children just as those kids are adjusting to the divorce of their parents.

The result is that co-parenting agreements help exes parent as a team, making them more effective parents, period. You want your kids to be less able to manipulate you or to play you against each other; and agreements enable you to do this by presenting a clear and united front, especially in terms of discipline and expectations.

Divorced parents who enter into an honest conversation about co-parenting and commit to developing and following a comprehensive co-parenting plan have everything to gain.

Parenting is a challenge, albeit a rewarding and loving one,  even under the best of circumstances. When you add dual households, residual relationship issues between parents, and the tremendous stressors that arise out of divorce, complications increase exponentially. Even so, this needn’t negatively impact children’s upbringing and development.

Successful co-parenting between exes is very possible. It’s up to you as a mother or father to decide how successful you will be and to ensure you are doing what a good dad does best: putting the best interests of your children first.

Categories
Child Custody

Custody in Best Interests of the Child

Courts in New Hampshire decide custody by considering the “best interests of the child”. The principle serves as a constant reference point in awarding custody and visitation time, creating custody schedules, and deciding which provisions to include in parenting plans.

Let’s explore the idea of a child’s best interests, what factors are considered and the implications for custody cases.

Parenting Schedules and Plans

A parenting schedule indicates which parent has care of a child at any given time. It forms part of a parenting plan, which is a broader document detailing the responsibilities of each parent.

Parenting schedules and plans are best worked out by parents together, possibly with the help of mediation (where a neutral third-party assists parents to agree). Where an impasse occurs, judges will develop a plan using the best interests of the child principle. Often, the court’s plan will draw on plans proposed by one or both parents.

The best parenting plans balance specificity with flexibility. Plans should be clear about exactly what is meant to happen but without limiting the ability of parents to adapt to the circumstances (which tend to change over time).

Matters that may be included in a parenting plan include:

  1. the decision-making responsibility of each parent and joint decision-making responsibilities
  2. conditions on a parent’s decision to move homes, such as geographic restrictions
  3. the child’s custody schedule, including a vacation schedule and arrangements for holidays and other special days
  4. who is responsible for transport at each changeover
  5. a dispute resolution mechanism.

A parenting plan and custody schedule may be based on joint physical custody, which is also known as shared parenting. Joint custody means each parents has a minimum of 35% visitation time and should normally be preferred by judges — provided that the parents are both considered competent and able to cooperate.

Other, less-equal parenting timetables are also possible, such as 70/30 custody schedules. As explained by Child Custody Solutions, a 70/30 schedule means a child has an average 4 overnights with the non-custodial parent per fortnight.

New Hampshire Parenting Laws

When separated parents arrive at court for a ruling on parenting plans, New Hampshire judges anchor decisions using the principle that the best interests of the child must be served.

Although each case is assessed individually, New Hampshire legislation acknowledges that children benefit by having “frequent and continuing contact” with both their parents. In addition, children are considered to benefit by having parents who “share in the rights and responsibilities of raising their children.”

Judges may consider any factor they consider relevant to a custody decision. But they are also guided by several factors explicitly identified by New Hampshire’s laws. Here are the main factors judges are asked to factor into custody decisions.

Child Health and Safety

Judges consider any issues that may affect the physical well-being of a child. A central concern is the ability and willingness of each parent to provide basic necessities, such as shelter, proper clothing, healthy food and medical care as required. The respect financial resources of the parents are a consideration, along with individual competency and care-giving qualities.

Safety can be an issue also. For example, a parent with a domestic violence record might be granted visitation only under the condition that the visits be supervised. Contact may be prohibited in cases where serious risk of physical or sexual abuse exists.

Emotional Needs and Child Maturity

Custody decisions need to account for the emotional impact on the child, both in the present and future, from ordering certain care arrangements. Existing bonds with caregivers need to be respected while also recognizing that children can be adaptable over time. Judges are inclined to make decisions that keep siblings together.

The maturity or age of the child is obviously an important consideration. Younger children, for example, have limited ability to cope with time away from their main caregiver(s). Often, judges make orders for graduated increases in visitation time with non-custodial parents to reflect the growing maturity of a child.

Co-Parenting Relationship

New Hampshire legislation emphasizes the willingness of each parent to nurture and maintain an effective co-parenting relationship. The law requires parents to encourage and promote frequent contact — unless there is good reason to conclude that such contact may be harmful to the child.

Communication skills in particular are assessed when a court contemplates making an order for joint legal custody or joint physical custody. For joint custody and a co-parenting plan to be appropriate, parents should be able to communicate and cooperate to make agreed decisions. Otherwise, a decision to award one parent sole custody may be reached.

Legal and Physical Custody Options

Legal custody refers to a parent’s responsibility for making major decisions concerning a child’s health, education or welfare generally.

On the other hand, physical custody refers to the child’s time spent in the care of each parent.

Joint legal custody is preferred unless domestic violence is an issue or other evidence indicates the parents will likely fail at working cooperatively for the benefit of the child.

A judge ordering joint legal custody may also decide that the child should spend similar amounts of time with each parent. Alternatively, a judge may find that, in the child’s best interests, he or she will have a primary physical residence while also spending significant time with the other parent.

Categories
Child Custody

Silent No Longer

The following Op Ed article appears in the current issue The Jewish Press (27 May 2005, Page 4).

It is written by Sherry Orbach, the daughter of anti-father feminist Amy Neustein and authoress of the anti-father book “From Madness To Mutiny: Why Mothers Are Running From The Family Courts-And What Can Be Done About It”. Sherry Orbach’s article refutes the lies of her mother about her false allegations of child sexual abuse by Sherry’s father.

A real eye-opener!


The Jewish Press
27 May 2005, Page 4

Silent No Longer
The Other Side Of Abuse Allegations
By Sherry Orbach (Daughter of anti-father feminist Amy Neustein)

Editor’s Note: In recent months The Jewish Press published two articles by Amy Neustein the first a, feature piece in the Family Matters section, the second an op ed column in which she recounted her longstanding allegations that her ex husband abused their daughter. Ms. Neustein’s daughter, Sherry Orbach, requested this opportunity to respond.

Although I have not seen my mother, Amy Neustein, in sixteen years, I remember her clearly. She claims the reason she repeatedly accused my father in the media of sexually abusing me was to gain custody rather than fame. Yet when she did have custody of me long before the legal battles began I remember her voluntarily sending me off to live with my grandmother in upstate New York, after which I rarely saw her.

I remember, on one of my rare visits to my mother’s house in Brooklyn, watching her softly stroking her hair with an antique silver brush as she gazed at herself in her bedroom mirror and wondered out loud whether she was pretty enough to be famous.

I remember my mother sitting with me on the plastic covered couch in my grandmother’s country home at age five as if it were yesterday. We had been rehearsing for hours. She would begin by telling me a sordid and false story about my father, such as a detailed account about how he had molested me or about how he had thrown me violently against a wall. She then instructed me to repeat the story word for word until she was satisfied with my rendition. At the time, my father had indicated he would be filing for custody. My mother warned that if I did not tell these lies to the judge, I would be taken from my grandmother.

After my mother lost legal custody, I visited her once a week. During these visits, my mother used to tape record me and pose me for pictures in order to gain material for her next media performance. I fought back in the only way I could. Once, I chased her around a table in an attempt to snatch her tape recorder.

For eighteen years (I am now 24); I was silent as my mother spun lie upon lie about my father and me. According to her story, she is the victim of a conspiracy involving my father, Brooklyn Family Court, federal and state appellate courts, the Legal Aid Society, the Brooklyn Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children, Ohel family services, and several leaders of the Jewish community. These co-conspirators, my mother insists, punished her for revealing that my father had sexually abused me by taking me away from her.

The truth, however, is that my father never sexually abused me, and that reporters and alleged victims’ advocates who supported my mother chose to retell her lies without adequately checking the facts.

The reason my family and I did not seek media attention to counter my mother’s allegations is that we wished to maintain our privacy. My family believed that my mother’s publicity would fizzle out, and that it was best to avoid the media spotlight as much as possible so that I could live a normal life. But my mother has been relentless in her exploitation of me. Recently she embarked on another media tirade, and has published her false allegations in this paper and others.

The worst article I have yet to see this year contains my full name as well as photos of me as a child and as an adult, along with sickening and absurd lies about my father and me. Even if the allegations were true (which they are not), it is a widely accepted principle of journalistic responsibility and of everyday morality that it is wrong to invade the privacy of victims (alleged or actual) by publishing their full names and photographs. Kalu ‘chomer (how much more so) when the allegations are false. Such deceptive reporting is so damaging and hurtful that I feel I no longer have any choice but to break my silence.

I do not hate my mother; I see her as troubled. Nor do I seek revenge. I am only speaking out to stop her, and her supporters who profess to care about me, from continuing to exploit and torment me. With no other recourse, my mother has tried to counter my denial of her allegations by claiming that I am being brainwashed and used by my father and other alleged members of the so called conspiracy who “desperately fear public scrutiny and government inquiry”.

Anyone who knows me well will vouch that I am independent minded and not the weak character my mother makes me out to be. The only parent who tried to brainwash me is my mother. The only people who are using me to advance their own careers are my mother and her allies. I vividly remember my mother sitting me on the couch at age five and coaching me to lie about my father. These are my memories and not anyone else’s.

I do not profess to know how typical my story is. I hope it is the exception and not the rule. However, the research involving allegations of child sexual abuse in court custody cases indicates that false allegations can occur in anywhere from 2 percent to 60 percent of such cases, and so it is far from an exact science. In these instances the accuser can often be the most vocal, the most sympathetic, and thus the most believable: But sometimes the real victim is the accused. And the one who pays the biggest price of all is the child. What I have learned from my case is that you can find “experts” to say anything, and that journalists are sometimes more interested in a good story and don’t want to be confused by the facts.

The damage caused by the irresponsible reporting and advocacy of my mother and her supporters extends beyond my family. Not only have they stained the credibility of the victims’ rights movement they claim to speak for, but they have diverted attention from the true needs of children in the family court and child welfare systems by misrepresenting what I, and similar children, required. What I did not require, contrary to my mother’s claim, was for the family court to be opened to the media.

I, for one, owe my existence as a normal young adult to the family judges, Ohel foster care, and the Legal Aid Society attorney who helped me reunite with my father in the face of considerable opposition in the media.

Most of all, I am grateful to my father for the sacrifices he has made for me over the years.


Go to this URL for an example of Neustein’s defence and the effect of her corruption and coaching of her daughter … that misled ‘professionals’ to believe the worst of the father and to attribute to him (rather than the real cause – the mother) the damage: https://bir.brandeis.edu/bitstream/handle/10192/27670/Neustein.pdf?sequence=1